DEMO TRACKS
The Day Granny's Knicker's Blew Away - The Musical 

THE EMPERORS PALACE

CENTURION
Invasions…

EMPEROR
No!.... Wait. What was that? 

CENTURION
Invasions Sir?

EMPEROR
Yes. Invasions! Tell me how well we’re doing with invasions. 

CENTURION
We’re not. 

EMPEROR
What? 

CENTURION
We’re not doing very well at all, sir. Look. 

EMPEROR
Seriously? Are you sure you’re holding that the right way up? 

CENTURION
Invasions have fallen by thirty-five percent in the last year. Particularly slow on the uptake is Britain, or as we like to call it, Brittania. 

EMPEROR
Oh. How could this have happened to us? We are Romans, and we pride ourselves on invasions.

CLAUDIUS farts sadly. CENTURION takes one step away from CLAUDIUS. 

EMPEROR (cont)
This is not a laughing matter! 

CENTURION
Don’t worry Claudykins, forget about Britain. No need to waste your time with them! Fish and chips, pudding and custard. You don’t wanna be messing around with all that!

EMPEROR shoots CENTURION a look.

CENTURION (cont)
(Sensing his displeasure)
Well, I’d best be off! I was just about to go take my break anyway. I’ve got to get out of this metal armour, I’m cooking quicker than a Christmas turkey. 

CENTURION EXITS. 

EMPEROR
Forget about Britain? But it’s my pride and joy! My legacy. How can I forget about Britain? If I am the Emperor that finally conquers the Brits, I’ll go down in the history books! And the good ones too! Hmmm, maybe my current heavy handed approach of fighting the Brits, stealing their land, and murdering their families is getting people’s backs up? 

Maybe it’s time for plan B. 

(He giggles.) 

Oh, I am brilliant and do you want to know the reason why I’m so brilliant? Because I am brilliant, you see. This is what I’m going to do, but shhh, don’t tell anyone, for it’s a secret! 

Very amused by his own genius, he puts a finger to his lips and giggles. As he does, the tiniest fart squeaks out.

EMPEROR (cont)
It all begins with this…

He pulls out a voucher.

EMPEROR (cont)
A voucher for a free Italian Gelato ice cream…You see, I want to entice some of my lovely Roman citizens here to the palace where I can then put my plan into action!…

(More laughter)

See, aren’t I brilliant? Even before I was Emperor, they all laughed at me, they did! 
Oh, how they all sniggered. 

(He mocks their sniggering.)

Well, who’s sniggering now, ‘ey? Me! I’m the boss. I’m in charge; the top dog, I’m the plumpest grape on the vine! Julius Caesar, pah! He’s a salad! I’m the best. Me.

 MARCUS and JULIA ENTER. JULIA has a camera and they are checking out the place like tourists at Buckingham Place. They bump into the EMPEROR as he continues:

EMPEROR
Me, me, me! Hail me! Me, me me! 

JULIA
(Oblivious)
Excuse me, are we near the toilets? 

CLAUDIUS stares at her blankly. 

JULIA (cont)
We asked the nice man with the silly hat on back there, but he didn’t seem to know either. 

###

SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND

DIERDRA 
Dump of a wasteland? Oh! Excuse me! This wasteland is my home, thank you very much. And I’d kindly be asking you to be wipin’ your feet next time you grace us with your presence. You got mud all over my dirt pathway.

GENERAL
You mean your mud track?

DIERDRA
I admit, housework is not my forte. But I certainly know the difference between local mud and city mud. Now get your city boots out of here. Honestly...grateful for you! Pfft! What have you ever done for us, eh?!

GENERAL
Well… Those bricks you’re using to build your wall? They’re Roman. 

DEIRDRA
Give over-

GENERAL 
If it weren’t for us, your very wall would be made of mere sticks and mud.

DEIRDRA
Pffft. 

GENERAL 
It’s true. And, errr, see how each brick is stamped with the maker's signature? 

DEIRDRA 
So I can be assured of their quality. No one wants a wonky wall.

GENERAL
Trademarked, we call it. That is a Roman concept. 

DEIRDRA
Well, I never!

GENERAL
-And... How did you pay for those bricks?

DEIRDRA
I paid with six silver coins. 

GENERAL
Stamped with the Emporer’s profile I believe?

DEIRDRA
Mmm-hmmm. Well, I tried to pay for ‘em with my goat, but I was told that that method of payment has been taken out of circulation. So I had no choice. AND I had to wait 1 calendar month before I could collect them...

GENERAL
A whole calendar month! Helpful things, calendars, aren’t they? Helps us to keep track of which day, or month it is. Do you know who introduced the idea of a calendar?

DEIRDRA
Well.. I don’t suppose I’ve thought about it.

GENERAL
We did!

DEIRDRA
Oh I see.

GENERAL
Deirdra, tell me, when you finally did go to pick these bricks up, did you travel through forests and over hills on dirt tracks or…

DEIRDRA
Oh heavens no! There's a lovely new road opened up - More direct and in a straight line, Watling street I believe it’s called - It cuts the journey in half and saves the donkey's legs! Pfft you don't imagine I carried those bricks!

GENERAL
Of course. And who do you think built those new and more direct roads? 

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